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There is a road in front of my that I don't want to take. That road is one of obedience, but also one that could mean more pain. The Spirit has been urging me to take this road for some time and I just keep resisting.
This urging, this road is the one that could potentially be the biggest catalyst to wholeness and healing in my life.
It is the scariest thing I can possibly think of doing at this point in my life. But God is pressing its urgency upon me and I realize that I won't be able to let go of this hurt, this wound until it happens.
A few days ago, my mom told me that my dad will be coming back to California for a bit to attend a funeral of a family member (my parents live in Montana about 7 months out of the year).
“Wait God, I though I had until October/November to get up the courage to speak to him in person! I thought I had more time!!”
Apparently the time is now... or at least a week or so from now.
My heart is beating as I type this out because I anticipate pain in this conversation, but more than that I anticipate relief. Relief that will come when I finally tell my father how much his words have hurt me. Relief that I will no longer try to avoid talking to my father about serious/emotional things out of fear of what his reaction will be. Relief that this will all be out in the open instead of ruminating around in my overactive mind.
This is the road that Jesus wants me to take right now. I'm scared shitless, but I know that it needs to happen and in His timing, not mine. He's making that abundantly clear.
Courage is what I seek now. Courage, strength, peace... and a grace-filled heart that will ultimately allow me to forgive my father, release him from this bitterness that I hold, and continue to move down this ever-lengthening, ever-surprising path of healing.