Today I'm marinating on this quote from my friend, Shellie R. Warren. It goes hand in hand with my post from yesterday. Shellie is an amazing writer who has been a big inspiration in helping me get free of a lot of my junk & addictions. She writes a blog of encouragement & preparation for single women and she also writes for XXXChurch.
"God promised to give me the desires of my heart, not the aid to my addiction. I was so fixated on you, I had forgotten what I asked God for way before there was a you. Way back when my parent's divorced, when I was introduced to Barbie and Ken dolls. Way back when a guy I had a crush on for six years told me that I was ugly. Way back then, I asked God for love and He has shaken heaven, earth, my heart and this relationship to deliver just that...True love, and this ain't it."
This quote is actually an excerpt from a poem she wrote and it really hit me when I read it yesterday. In this quote, God brought me a new perspective and a new hope. I long for love and have continually asked God for it... and He has given it. He has answered my prayers beyond my expectation and it has taken me way too long to realize it. It is in my longing for fulfillment outside of Him that I have lost my way. He is all I need. He is all I want at this moment. Today I find complete comfort and fulfillment in Him and Him alone.
I'm currently in this state of transition... while there's a lot moving forward in my life, particularly with spiritual growth, healing related to past-hurts, and redemption from my addictions; there's also a lot that is standing still. Not in a negative way, but just in a way that is causing me to re-evaluate some things.
I like things to move forward... I hate it when I have setbacks, I hate it when things are stagnant. That stuff makes me uncomfortable. I like forward movement because that means progress is being made. But if you’ve been reading my posts of late, you’ll know that I've been learning & have been affirmed in the fact that God is present in these “delays” and in fact they really aren't delays at all. God's timing is perfect. And in that I'm trying to find rest.
All is quiet today. My heart, my soul, even my ever over-analytical mind. There is no more sorrow seeping deep into my soul. There is no more sobbing. There is no more heaviness. It’s Saturday. The day after the day of my Savior’s crucifiction. He has died. He has been laid in His tomb to rest. The stone has been rolled over the tomb’s entrance. All is still.
It’s not as if yesterday didn’t happen. On the contrary. There’s an air of anticipation about me. What does God have in store for Sunday? What amazingness is about to unfold? And it’s a reminder of a recurring theme of late... God is present in the delays.
The clouds parted & the sun broke through.
The heavenly spotlight shining down on a Man. Beaten, shattered and hanging from a cross.
“This is my body broken for you.”
“This is my blood shed for you.”
“Behold, I make all things new. Even you.”
The light is blinding and too intense for some... they have to turn away or shield their eyes. But I walk toward it. Mesmerized by the sacrifice it highlights. Enveloped by the warmth of the glow. Captivated by the love emitting forth.
Closer and closer I get to the Man, to the Light.
Heavier and heavier I get as I recognize how much blood must be shed to cover the weight of all my sin.
Lower and lower I go until I’m crawling on the ground. Reaching, grasping, crying out for Him.
I reach Him. I touch Him.
His blood drips down upon my head and I am washed clean. Completely clean.
I stay on the ground. No longer out of shame or sorrow, but out of complete and utter reverence and humility.
He chose this. For me. For you. He chose death so that I may have life.
I finally reach the light without toil, without strife. He has made it so.
It is finished. Praise Him.
This is me... I am a recovering sex and porn addict. Shocked? Yeah, me too. Shocked that this was ever something that I stumbled onto, shocked that I am in recovery, and shocked that I’m saying it here for the whole world to see. I thank the Lord every day that I am in recovery, but more so, that He has given me the boldness and the courage to say these words... I am a recovering sex and porn addict... and I’m a woman! Without boldness, this issue will never be addressed. Without boldness from other women, it would have taken me so much longer to be released from this bondage. This bondage that was horrifyingly excruciating and often times debilitating.