"Lauren, stop running. Stop fighting me. Stop searching for things outside of my will for you.
I'm here. I'm here. I'm here"
God speaks to me. That is clear. And I hear Him... often times softly, but mostly He's loudly proclaiming His truth & using it to pierce my heart. Today is a loud day. He's here. He's piercing my heart so severely that I cannot concentrate on anything else. He's telling me He's here & that He is enough. He's telling me that He's pursuing me despite my attempts at taking control, despite my doubt. He's telling me that He has everything under control. If only I could let go. If only I could trust completely that everything will be ok.
I trust. I trust to a point and then fear takes over.
I have peace. I have peace to a point and then fear takes over.
I am still. I am still to a point and then fear takes over.
FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.
What a useless emotion!!
Strong, distinct, intense, striking, true, pure, fresh, full of life or vitality...
All words that I think of when I hear the word VIVID. What beautiful words these are. What inspiring words these are.
I want to be these words. I want people to look at me and say: she's strong, striking, true, pure, and
fresh. Not just at random times, but always. And I want people to see that these characteristics do not come from me, but come from Christ in me.
Christ is DISTINCT. His name alone evokes strong emotions and causes us to have clear, striking mental images. His character is strength, purity, and truth.
Christ is LIFE. The only reason we have life is because He sacrificed His. How amazing is that truth?
Christ is INTENSE. Living a life for Christ is not easy. In fact it's harder than a lot of people think. It is an insanely intense day-to-day battle for good.
Christ is VIVID. If anything He encompasses this definition more than any other person or any other thing. He is beautifully, undeniably, brilliantly VIVID.
Christ in me inspires me to live life vividly. What a challenge, what a joy.
You know those days when you really want to write but the words just won't come? The days when there's so much to get off of your chest, but you can't find the inspiration or the motivation?
In my world, today is that day.
I have so many thoughts running through my head at the moment, so many concerns, so many plans. Writing is typically the way I'm able to process through these things, but not today. My journal pages are aching to be filled with profound words of wisdom, with funny anecdotes, with sincere prayers, but alas they remain empty.
These few short paragraphs are all my throbbing head can come up with today. And it'll have to be enough because there's nothing left at the moment. Just a void where words used to be.
That may come as a shock to some people, especially the people that know me the best, but timidity would be a word I'd use to describe myself often. I've heard people call me intimidating before & that's just laughable to me.
Sure, I have my moments where I am confident &
strong in myself, where I speak my mind without fear of rejection or retribution, but in my mind those moments are few & far between. Maybe it's just my perspective & maybe it's something I need to work on, but I've never seen myself as someone having a zeal for life. I've never seen myself as a lioness approaching each day ready to pounce on whatever life brings.
Growing up I was so incredibly shy that I wouldn't even call to order pizza. No joke.
And after my assault the ONE thing my therapist asked of me was to "GET MAD!" I had gone through all the other stages of grief and healing, except for anger. There was no fight in me.
But things change. This past year, I've felt that lioness creeping to the surface. I've seen the products of my boldness & often times even felt the need to let out a roar of sorts. For too long I've sat on the sidelines & watched. For too long I've been looked over. For too long I've refused to fight out of fear or sadness.
But roaring seems appropriate today. Roaring seems to be the one thing I need to get out of this funk & start the new year off right. Boldness is the key to change, the key to bringing light into dark places & I've seen that change happen in 2011. I've seen that light. Now it's time to see it in 2012.
Last year was lacking in joy. Truly. I had a rough year & I made the unfortunate, ultimately depressing decision to wallow. Not for the whole year, but for a long enough period of time that it began to affect my relationship with God in a serious way. I do that a lot when things get rough. I turn my back on God, the one person who can bring me through it all.
Wallowing is lame. It really is. But historically, that's where my head goes & eventually my heart follows.