| | My eyes can't see it God. My mind can't comprehend it.
Why am I still here? Why is there no movement? Why do I still feel stuck 5 months later?
I ask these questions almost daily. I ask for guidance, for peace, for wisdom.
| And still it doesn't come.
Still I'm here, feeling like I'm in quicksand and each movement drags me down further.
I'm fighting battles that have long since expired and am struggling with wounds that have scabbed over but are not yet clean.
“Lauren, remember those words that pierced your heart so intenesely just a month ago?
'Wounds must be clean in order to heal properly.'
Clean those wounds & I'll provide you with the wisdom, the guidance, & the peace you so desperately crave.
Clean those wounds & forward movement will come.
Lean into it, dear daughter. Lean into the knife and let me make you well.”
Yes Lord. For too long I've avoided it.
Let me feel the stinging of the disinfectant, God. Let me feel that pain... maybe it will be fleeting, maybe it will last a while... but either way I know that I'm no longer trying to numb it with destructive things, but that instead I'm getting clean.
With that will come perspective, discernment, & peace. Right?
I have hope that it is so.
| | If you haven't heard Gungor yet, you are seriously missing out. And if you've never heard this song before, you need to stop, collaborate and listen before moving on to reading what I have to say about it.
Ready? | Amazing, right?
This song gets me every dang time and it seriously makes me ache for the days when I played the cello. I'm even tempted to start playing again, just so I could belt out that chorus with a cello accompaniment.
I had the opportunity to see Gungor play live at Catalyst West Coast in April & seeing them live is an experience in itself. These aren't just people who play music, these are people that worship God with their creativity, their passion, their love for blending sounds, and their uniqueness. In my heart, Gungor has changed the face and future of worship music.
Seeing them live was an incredibly powerful experience and I found myself falling to my knees as the bridge rang out...
"You make me new. You are making me new."
I can't read, sing, or listen to those words without thinking about Christ hanging on the cross, beaten and bloodied for the sake of redeeming me, of redeeming you. He makes all things new.
How has God been revealing newness to you lately? What areas of your life is He redeeming?
And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new."
-Revelation 21:5
A few weeks ago at Catalyst West Coast I heard Jon Acuff say “Fame is the most dangerous drug in Christianity right now.”
Oh how true that is.
When I started this blog it was because I wanted to live out loud and share my life with others. I didn't care how many people visited or how many comments I received because this blog was basically a public journal.
Somewhere along my blog journey this changed. I started reading articles entitled “How to Get More Blog Readers” and “How to Get Paid For Blogging.” Somehow I got caught up in the societal hype of blogging and my motivation changed.
| My identity is not based on what you think of me.
My identity is not based on what I think of myself.
My identity is not based on how I look, what I feel, how much I weigh, or what I do for a living.
None of these things matter to Jesus. Therefore none of these things should matter to me. | | But they do. Somehow, some way, they always do.
Logically I know that they shouldn't. Logically I know that these perceptions of worth have been ingrained since childhood by lies from satan and the media. Logically I know that my worth is found in Christ and Christ alone.
My brain knows this, but I wish that somehow this knowledge would travel to my heart. And quickly.
Maybe then I wouldn't beat myself up with self-hate talk when I step on the scale and don't like the number I see.
Maybe then I wouldn't spend money I don't have on clothes I don't need just to keep up with the trends.
Maybe then I wouldn't stress about how I look when I cry in front of other people.
Maybe then I wouldn't be so caught up in my fear of rejection, of letting people down, of being judged.
Oh beautiful heart, won't you please hear these truths and let them sink in to the deepest depths?
Your weight does not define you.
Your job does not define you.
Your lack of a husband does not define you.
These things do not comprise your worth.
NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO WILL MAKE JESUS LOVE YOU ANY LESS.
Your worth, your identity is found only in Him. Do not seek it elsewhere, because all you'll find is disappointment and despair.
You are worth more than you will ever know.
So much so that Christ died so that you may be free.
Live in that truth... EVERY DAY and you will find that freedom.
"God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.
When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The 'worst' is never the worst."
Lamentations 3:25-30(Message)
'Nuff said.
Last night I cried for the first time in weeks. I leaned on a friend's shoulder & sobbed uncontrollably in her arms.
It sucked.
I hate crying in front of people. I hate feeling pitied. I hate looking like I don't have it all together.
But the reality is, I needed that cry. I needed it more than I needed to talk through my feelings, more than I needed prayer, more than I needed a kind word. I just needed to bawl my freaking eyes out. And as much as I hate crying, the release and relief that I felt was like none other.
Using the word "overwhelmed" would be a vast understatement.
Apparently, mentoring will do that to you.
Lately, I'm filling others up so much that I'm lacking being filled myself. And while I see mentoring as a blessing, I am beginning to realize that I have hit my limit. I cannot give so much of myself without also receiving from others. And so last night I allowed myself to receive.
I received the comfort and the love that radiated through my friend's arms as she embraced me. I received the love from others as they prayed over me. I received affirmation in the fact that I wasn't alone in my overwhelming state. But most of all I received the peace of God as I let my guard down, showed some vulnerability, and started getting real.
As the night ended and the tears had dried up, a good friend of mine asked if I was OK. My answer was a simple, but resounding "No."
Real. Raw. Blunt.
All things that I tend to avoid, but all things that I'm learning are necessary in leadership and in taking care of oneself.
Right now I'm not entirely OK and I'm OK with that.
"I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." She says to me. "There's no way you can be this nice."
I hear her words and my heart jumps into my throat.
What pain, what betrayal, what trauma has she experienced that causes her to say these things?
I know only a small portion of her story, but hearing these words and knowing that she truly believes them is heartbreaking.
I've offered myself as a mentor and a friend. I listen to her story. I affirm her with words and with love. I extend grace as it's been so willingly been given to me. My words fail, but my heart is sincere. I love her simply because she is a child of God and because she is in desperate need of love, of kindness, and of grace.
She's being vulnerable and it's painful.
She's fighting so many battles and it's exhausting.
She's struggling with her self worth and comes up short every time.
These are things I see in her eyes, her demeanor, and hear in her words, her voice. Pain, exhaustion, trauma, lack of self-worth. And I know where she's coming from. Maybe not to the degree at which she's feeling it. Maybe not with 100% complete understanding of what she's been through. But I've experienced similar things and I know how darkness closes in so easily.
I pray to God to use me. "Lord, let me be a light in her dark, dark world."
He says "Lauren, you already are."
I'm a little annoyed. With that annoyance comes a complete inability to express myself in a loving yet critical way. I don't want to be annoyed. I want to know that the constructive criticism I've given has been received well and built upon. But I don't know that. I might never know that. Which makes this annoyance sink deeper.
This week at Naked Truth the message was on singleness. Honestly, I dreaded it. I hate being singled out because I'm single... especially because I don't want to be single. I understand the church's desire to address the single community and I appreciate their enthusiasm in reaching all of their members. But to me, talking about singleness just makes it that much more unbearable. I don't need to be told by yet another person that God has a reason for my singleness, that He has a plan. I know all of this, believe me!
This was where my annoyance started and it continued to ebb and flow over the remainder of the evening and eventually leaked into my week.
Today I'm marinating on this quote from my friend, Shellie R. Warren. It goes hand in hand with my post from yesterday. Shellie is an amazing writer who has been a big inspiration in helping me get free of a lot of my junk & addictions. She writes a blog of encouragement & preparation for single women and she also writes for XXXChurch.
"God promised to give me the desires of my heart, not the aid to my addiction. I was so fixated on you, I had forgotten what I asked God for way before there was a you. Way back when my parent's divorced, when I was introduced to Barbie and Ken dolls. Way back when a guy I had a crush on for six years told me that I was ugly. Way back then, I asked God for love and He has shaken heaven, earth, my heart and this relationship to deliver just that...True love, and this ain't it."
This quote is actually an excerpt from a poem she wrote and it really hit me when I read it yesterday. In this quote, God brought me a new perspective and a new hope. I long for love and have continually asked God for it... and He has given it. He has answered my prayers beyond my expectation and it has taken me way too long to realize it. It is in my longing for fulfillment outside of Him that I have lost my way. He is all I need. He is all I want at this moment. Today I find complete comfort and fulfillment in Him and Him alone.
I'm currently in this state of transition... while there's a lot moving forward in my life, particularly with spiritual growth, healing related to past-hurts, and redemption from my addictions; there's also a lot that is standing still. Not in a negative way, but just in a way that is causing me to re-evaluate some things.
I like things to move forward... I hate it when I have setbacks, I hate it when things are stagnant. That stuff makes me uncomfortable. I like forward movement because that means progress is being made. But if you’ve been reading my posts of late, you’ll know that I've been learning & have been affirmed in the fact that God is present in these “delays” and in fact they really aren't delays at all. God's timing is perfect. And in that I'm trying to find rest.
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